Letters to my younger self; my early 20’s
Nights when I was not working nor was she at school, life became filled with drives around town, college parking lots and even the canyon, on more beautifully lit nights. During these drives, Elena and I would talk or sing along with our favourite music. Talking was our favourite past time; as I have found that pain resides in all of us. I never would have thought I’d be so comfortable being open about my family situation and the grief I’ve tried to overcome. I found it comforting and not at all glad that Elena did not have the perfect life or the perfect family. She, like many of us, must deal with pain and insecurity, sometimes even sibling rivalry. Perhaps that’s why we got along so well. And thankfully, still do.
I won’t lie as I admit that I held back much of my pain and sadness. It felt more like a burden and why would I want to burden my dear friend? I also won’t lie when I say that it was an uncomfortable situation; meeting her friends. Could it have been a twang of jealousy? Perhaps. I admit that I’ve often felt uncomfortable around others because they seemed “cooler” or had more interesting lives. But I will admit, that her friends, male and female, were welcoming and wonderful to be around.
And as for her parents and sister? Her parents were very welcoming; the only downfall was that they only spoke Spanish and I did not. How I wished my parents and grandparents had taught us, rather than use it to gossip when we children were around. Her sister; younger than both of us, was also sweet, a little bit stubborn, but I saw some of myself in her when we spoke, which wasn’t often, as she usually found herself at house parties.
If there was one thing I could’ve done differently, it would’ve been to let Elena in, to have let my guard down, allowing her to share her wisdom, her comfort and not to have hid behind doubt and fear. Like I’ve said, she was the sister I dreamt of. I should have been a better friend. As a result, I broke away from my beautiful friend years later. I was going through some of the worst times of my life. The death of my grandmother, the death of my brother, the several miscarriages I went through and the continued failed relationship between my mother and I. It felt like too much to give to her, it was too much for anyone to handle. In the end, I was the one who pulled away. And in the end, years later, I was the one who crawled back, with apologies and tears. She was there for me, as if time had not passed us by. I thank God for her everyday and this time, I have let my guard down because she is stronger than I thought.
Exorcising Ghosts 