The lights are off. I am alone…at least I feel alone. This air is cold, this night; even colder. I used to dream of nights like this,
to keep me sane, to keep me going. Now they only seem to weaken my bones and my spirit. I have checked out once again. I thought I had overcome this drastic measure years ago, and yet here I am; awakened by its prisoned walls and unwelcome nights. I took a step into the hallway, thinking I was making the right choice. Yet here I am in shambles and torn to pieces. This is the constant mirror I look into forever more.
I stood before them; naked and ashamed. Ashamed of who I had grown into and who I was meant to be. I left my earphones in and the soundtrack to my existence on so I could block all unnecessary accusations from my hearing. It is better this way; to imagine the worst and yet never hear it. I let these images haunt my dreams; for at least I can control these if I need to. I looked straight into the face of the one I put my trust in; the one I gave my blood and life to. The only one to look away at the table of judgment and ignorance. That’s right; they are ignorant in my eyes. My mother, my lovers before me who took me for granted, and now this. What did I expect; a likely story with a usual ending? May I be let off this stand and led away to darker corners and endless hallways of strays. I only write what I think of and what I dream. The judge and jury of my dreams is what’s killing me.
Today I spent an eternity thinking of what was and where I should’ve been instead of drowning in my misery. I left the chains back in the old days and yet they still seem to follow me. Give me drink, give me peace, just make the bleeding stop. I only saved enough for one day. I must’ve confused today with forever. How could I have been so delusional? The time is wrong, the weather is off and I am on the wrong dock; looking for the right escape. I never pleaded to anything I wasn’t guilty of. I only lacked the intelligence when it came to emotions. I should’ve been cold; distant and greedy like all the others. I should’ve stayed at home and never listened to those movies. I should’ve kept my mouth shut and my eyes open. I should’ve known the future and stayed far away in the past. But I am just a human; like all the others, thinking there’s always a way out of the extreme. I forgot to read the instructions when I didn’t grasp the meaning. Here comes the judge and jury of my dreams.
I stare into this haunted house; full of skeletons, full of dark thoughts. I should’ve ran the other way, but curiosity got the better of me. I stayed for the encore and left writhing in pain. I just couldn’t help myself. I lIke things this way. Dark and terrifying, wrong, twisted and heart wrenching when you least expect it. I was into it just like everyone else. But like everyone else, I never saw the ending. There’s no exit sign and I have to go all the way through. It’s my fault I catered to the uninhabited, the misfits who walk away without a care. Where is the end?
I stood on the cliff, ready to fall. I tried very hard but hadn’t the gall. To pick up my feet and let it all go, so I did the next best thing by taking it slow. Rubbing back and forth till nothing was left, the ache in my wrist no longer bereft, of the pain it endured as I clung to the stone, that clung to the threads of my veins and the bone. It was easier to get closer than ever before, without you having to look on, without you having to beg for more. Let’s face it, this was the only way, just play my soundtrack every step of the way. Louder than the waves that crash over me, louder than the screams of those who left before me. Let it play on when I’m cold as the night, when I’m dreaming and sleeping with no end in sight. Please; do this for me.
That was the worst place I’ve ever stepped into. May those souls be at peace. Whoever thought that reality would get to me? It wasn’t free, it wasn’t enough to leave me thinking. I was left without anything to cling to in the end. I stand; naked and ashamed, but never the way you think. I have to walk away and not say a thing. I have to let go like a good girl and never think again.
Dear Cousin, Sept. 2010
I wish that this letter was filled to the brim with positive encouragement and hopeful answers. Instead, it’s just me and this is the only way I come.
We don’t see each other every day like we used too, but it still doesn’t mean that I can’t miss you. Today, like every other day, I worry about everyone, including you and I’m okay with this. I don’t mind carrying the heavy heart. Sometimes I think it makes people stay a bit longer on this earth, as if God understands my pain and frustration, granting me this one request.
I’m sitting here at home while Val begins his shift at work, and sometimes I’m thankful for these lonely opportunities. I can let myself go. I can cry my heart out, or I can write in frustration and tiredness without him looking disappointed or worried at my sadness. I can play my music a little bit louder and delve into the words, the melody, and the emotions each song leaves me with.
When I first heard that you got into trouble over this guy I have to admit that I was a little pissed. Mostly because you were drunk or had been drinking… but in any case I was mad because for that moment you had forgotten about your family, you had forgotten us as well.
But afterwards I felt sad because I knew you must’ve felt worse. I’ve always thought of you as my brother, as my mentor, and I believe in my heart that you are suffering inside as a result of the outcome.
So I will never write to you or talk to you about being a better person, or about the effects of alcohol because it’s pointless to preach to someone who knows so much about it. Sometimes we do things for subconscious reasons. I understand why you let go at times because I still do. And if we can’t be human, then what can we be? My best friend knows it as well and that is why her love is stronger than any wrong you think you do.
This letter may seem confusing with all of its melancholy meanings and sad descriptive words but I’m just missing my cousin, I miss looking out onto a beautiful sunrise or sunset, and I miss the ocean. God has created all of the beautiful things, including you and I miss being surrounded by them all.
Please stay strong and I’ll be saving a hug for you when you come home.
Love you always,