Words from an Insomniac still trying to find her way

Posts tagged “loss

I’m not sleeping/not breathing anymore

The lights are off. I am alone…at least I feel alone. This air is cold, this night; even colder. I used to dream of nights like this,
to keep me sane, to keep me going. Now they only seem to weaken my bones and my spirit. I have checked out once again. I thought I had overcome this drastic measure years ago, and yet here I am; awakened by its prisoned walls and unwelcome nights. I took a step into the hallway, thinking I was making the right choice. Yet here I am in shambles and torn to pieces. This is the constant mirror I look into forever more.

     I stood before them; naked and ashamed. Ashamed of who I had grown into and who I was meant to be. I left my earphones in and the soundtrack to my existence on so I could block all unnecessary accusations from my hearing. It is better this way; to imagine the worst and yet never hear it. I let these images haunt my dreams; for at least I can control these if I need to. I looked straight into the face of the one I put my trust in; the one I gave my blood and life to. The only one to look away at the table of judgment and ignorance. That’s right; they are ignorant in my eyes. My mother, my lovers before me who took me for granted, and now this. What did I expect; a likely story with a usual ending? May I be let off this stand and led away to darker corners and endless hallways of strays. I only write what I think of and what I dream. The judge and jury of my dreams is what’s killing me.

     Today I spent an eternity thinking of what was and where I should’ve been instead of drowning in my misery. I left the chains back in the old days and yet they still seem to follow me. Give me drink, give me peace, just make the bleeding stop. I only saved enough for one day. I must’ve confused today with forever. How could I have been so delusional? The time is wrong, the weather is off and I am on the wrong dock; looking for the right escape. I never pleaded to anything I wasn’t guilty of. I only lacked the intelligence when it came to emotions. I should’ve been cold; distant and greedy like all the others. I should’ve stayed at home and never listened to those movies. I should’ve kept my mouth shut and my eyes open. I should’ve known the future and stayed far away in the past. But I am just a human; like all the others, thinking there’s always a way out of the extreme. I forgot to read the instructions when I didn’t grasp the meaning. Here comes the judge and jury of my dreams.

     I stare into this haunted house; full of skeletons, full of dark thoughts. I should’ve ran the other way, but curiosity got the better of me. I stayed for the encore and left writhing in pain. I just couldn’t help myself. I lIke things this way. Dark and terrifying, wrong, twisted and heart wrenching when you least expect it. I was into it just like everyone else. But like everyone else, I never saw the ending. There’s no exit sign and I have to go all the way through. It’s my fault I catered to the uninhabited, the misfits who walk away without a care. Where is the end?

     I stood on the cliff, ready to fall. I tried very hard but hadn’t the gall. To pick up my feet and let it all go, so I did the next best thing by taking it slow. Rubbing back and forth till nothing was left, the ache in my wrist no longer bereft, of the pain it endured as I clung to the stone, that clung to the threads of my veins and the bone. It was easier to get closer than ever before, without you having to look on, without you having to beg for more. Let’s face it, this was the only way, just play my soundtrack every step of the way. Louder than the waves that crash over me, louder than the screams of those who left before me. Let it play on when I’m cold as the night, when I’m dreaming and sleeping with no end in sight. Please; do this for me.

     That was the worst place I’ve ever stepped into. May those souls be at peace. Whoever thought that reality would get to me? It wasn’t free, it wasn’t enough to leave me thinking. I was left without anything to cling to in the end. I stand; naked and ashamed, but never the way you think. I have to walk away and not say a thing. I have to let go like a good girl and never think again.


I Never Wrote that Suicide Note

– on a train leaving Albuquerque, NM

October, 2006

 

 

I leave behind a life

that never belonged to me,

I have tried, my whole life

to make things seem right.

I am left sitting on a train,

towards someone else’s home.

Empty handed,

wounded and a failure,

and in the middle of this silent war,

I pray my brother has found more

than he ever had in this life time.

 

I have been on this train 

for an hour or more,

and the release 

of letting him go

is just as slow.

All around me

lay dark threatening clouds,

I pray that they are swift 

at swallowing me whole.

Come rain! Come!

I take my tattered, broken wings

bury them under 

an old sturdy tree.

Where is that new life

I’ve always wanted for me?

 

Today I continue to fight

the war that won’t let go of me.

 

Today, I leave you father

graced in all my love,

waiting for your acceptance,

I can no longer keep trying

to make you want me around.

I have tried to please you 

from the moment I could walk,

I can’t compete with a life

we have both lost.

 

But I stop trying today.

 

Instead,

the rain will take my place,

the clouds will be

my suffocating embrace.

My love will forever reside

in lost dreams,

because there is no way

to make it easier on you 

or on me.

This will be my last trip for some time.

Don’t forget, 

my love will still surround you,

because love is worth everything,

even in between.

 

And this is where I leave you

mother,

with every ounce of hope

I’ve braved.

There’s no looking back 

at my trail of maybes and patience

that flood your window frames.

I never wanted to be the mother,

I never wanted to leave things

this way,

but you will never change,

and I will no longer wait.

 

My heart was broken, 

the day I made you walk away,

since then

life has never been the same.

But I cease all hurting today.

Today,

the sun will take its place.

Today,

the beauty of all the Creator creates

will fill the void

you can’t seem to replace.

There is no other way,

so this will be the last time

I have as much faith.

Don’t forget,

love is all I ever have for you,

and prayers will never cease,

jut because you’ve chosen to.

 

Eleven more hours,

till I reach someone else’s home,

what happens from there 

terrifies me so,

but anything has to be better

then this solitary road…

 

Welcome (home), Suzanna, welcome home