Words from an Insomniac still trying to find her way

Posts tagged “depression

I’m not sleeping/not breathing anymore

The lights are off. I am alone…at least I feel alone. This air is cold, this night; even colder. I used to dream of nights like this,
to keep me sane, to keep me going. Now they only seem to weaken my bones and my spirit. I have checked out once again. I thought I had overcome this drastic measure years ago, and yet here I am; awakened by its prisoned walls and unwelcome nights. I took a step into the hallway, thinking I was making the right choice. Yet here I am in shambles and torn to pieces. This is the constant mirror I look into forever more.

     I stood before them; naked and ashamed. Ashamed of who I had grown into and who I was meant to be. I left my earphones in and the soundtrack to my existence on so I could block all unnecessary accusations from my hearing. It is better this way; to imagine the worst and yet never hear it. I let these images haunt my dreams; for at least I can control these if I need to. I looked straight into the face of the one I put my trust in; the one I gave my blood and life to. The only one to look away at the table of judgment and ignorance. That’s right; they are ignorant in my eyes. My mother, my lovers before me who took me for granted, and now this. What did I expect; a likely story with a usual ending? May I be let off this stand and led away to darker corners and endless hallways of strays. I only write what I think of and what I dream. The judge and jury of my dreams is what’s killing me.

     Today I spent an eternity thinking of what was and where I should’ve been instead of drowning in my misery. I left the chains back in the old days and yet they still seem to follow me. Give me drink, give me peace, just make the bleeding stop. I only saved enough for one day. I must’ve confused today with forever. How could I have been so delusional? The time is wrong, the weather is off and I am on the wrong dock; looking for the right escape. I never pleaded to anything I wasn’t guilty of. I only lacked the intelligence when it came to emotions. I should’ve been cold; distant and greedy like all the others. I should’ve stayed at home and never listened to those movies. I should’ve kept my mouth shut and my eyes open. I should’ve known the future and stayed far away in the past. But I am just a human; like all the others, thinking there’s always a way out of the extreme. I forgot to read the instructions when I didn’t grasp the meaning. Here comes the judge and jury of my dreams.

     I stare into this haunted house; full of skeletons, full of dark thoughts. I should’ve ran the other way, but curiosity got the better of me. I stayed for the encore and left writhing in pain. I just couldn’t help myself. I lIke things this way. Dark and terrifying, wrong, twisted and heart wrenching when you least expect it. I was into it just like everyone else. But like everyone else, I never saw the ending. There’s no exit sign and I have to go all the way through. It’s my fault I catered to the uninhabited, the misfits who walk away without a care. Where is the end?

     I stood on the cliff, ready to fall. I tried very hard but hadn’t the gall. To pick up my feet and let it all go, so I did the next best thing by taking it slow. Rubbing back and forth till nothing was left, the ache in my wrist no longer bereft, of the pain it endured as I clung to the stone, that clung to the threads of my veins and the bone. It was easier to get closer than ever before, without you having to look on, without you having to beg for more. Let’s face it, this was the only way, just play my soundtrack every step of the way. Louder than the waves that crash over me, louder than the screams of those who left before me. Let it play on when I’m cold as the night, when I’m dreaming and sleeping with no end in sight. Please; do this for me.

     That was the worst place I’ve ever stepped into. May those souls be at peace. Whoever thought that reality would get to me? It wasn’t free, it wasn’t enough to leave me thinking. I was left without anything to cling to in the end. I stand; naked and ashamed, but never the way you think. I have to walk away and not say a thing. I have to let go like a good girl and never think again.

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In the Background is Where I Learn to Live, at the Forefront is where I Learn to Give.

IMG_2187Dear You,

Welcome to me…to this lifetime of weak metaphoric bones and 267 days of teary eyes. I warned you from the beginning, didn’t I? I brought forth my promise of commitment with my long list of conditions. Conditions such as aching for the baby sister who only had four hours of “why me?”, or the younger brother who thought killing himself was the better side to see. Conditions such as my loneliness which creeps in the night, and my fear of never waking up again once I turn out the light.  You haven’t forgotten the best part, have you? You know, the part where the depths of my melancholy wash over me like tsunamis in the sky. This is me…this is we…and we haven’t had the promising chance to even try. In this life of mine, I chose to drift towards your life preserve, thinking you were the one who was going to save me. Some days I think I’m still at sea, dog paddling my way through life, with you always close by.

I remember the first time you took hold of my hand when a fresh coat of grief washed upon me, and I let you in, without a moment’s hesitation. Was I being selfish, allowing you to see the real mirror image of my soul, my existence? Should I have let you stay away, without any explanation, any “Dear John” letter? You have lost several years that you’ll never get back. I can’t promise that you’ll be able to hang on to any more in the future. In the end, all I’ll have to give is the “I tried” line.  In the end that is all it will ever be; a failed try. But know, I did try.

When I look at your silent peace, your heaven-sent release, if only in your sleep, I am happy for you. I think it is here, in my absence, that you truly find happiness. In the deep corners of your subconscious you are alive, ready to take on the reality of what could’ve been. It is in your inner solitude that I am most jealous. How can one be jealous of something that could never be reached? Be a part of? But it’s there, poking it’s angry saddened little head through the locked door of your mind. You lay there, angelic and weightless, not thinking of a thing. This is where the metaphoric hamster in your brain takes a breather, where the ocean meets dry land. You are calm and care-free. And I am jealous of everything I’ve just seen.

I live in a world where my hamster never sleeps, where fear loves to creep and the thought of drifting away and never returning becomes the welcome mat of anxiety at my minds’ front door.  I never chose what was behind curtain number four. I only wanted #1 because it’s more than likely better odds. Who stole my life from me? Who wished eternal tears and hard twisting heart rhythms to lay at my feet? I’ve landed the bonus where I even cry in my sleep. Who wished this for me? How I long for the nights of sweet vivid dreams brought on by exhaustion of long hours counting sheep.

Regardless of the outcome, this is the reality. And even in my tantrums, I have learned to accept the hand dealt to me. I gave up on self-pity and self-destruction, and leaned more towards the spontaneous crying and itchy blanket called loneliness. This is me…this is we; the mirror looking back at the mess which becomes me. Nowadays, I tend to cry when you aren’t around. When the music is deep and therapeutic, when the movie strangles my heart with both hands; this is my relief. Do you get it? I’m giving you a break. I’m letting you off the hook, here’s a freebie on me. This is one thing you’ll never understand…that this me, it is not you. You can have the rest; like my playfulness and crazy nonsense. You get the loving ways and the part of my heart that beats for you. I’ve swallowed the key to the other room. Don’t ask for it back.

I didn’t grasp it the first time, you know, the uncomfortable feeling of what to do when I couldn’t stop crying and feeling so bleak. But you’re better off, and I know that now. This is something I must deal with without the company of awkward silences and uncomfortable movements. The darkness does eventually end, and the new sunrise becomes a welcome home sign; even if short-lived. I’m comfortable in this accepting skin. I take the good without taking it for granted while I take the bad at face value. 

I live in the numbness of a never-ending dream where nothing pleasant happens in the end. I wait excitedly for the surprise gift of a wonderful day, whether in a song or the way you look at me, and I relish in the love that gives me a temporary fix. You have always been my drug of choice. The darkened clouds and bitter shadows; they will continue to live, just now I keep them in the deeper end. I’ve wanted you and all that you freely possess . My baggage was clear and will be till the end. I’ve wanted you and not the choice to keep on running. I just can’t get rid of the closet filled with sorrow and disappointing sentiment. Please remember to read your faithful contract. Look for the signature at the dotted line. Remember these images when it’s time for me to unravel all of my despair with the lights turned off and the music keeping the poison at bay. Remember there will always be better days. 

love,

~me~


One Last Chance, I beg of You

Come down from that hill, made of tragedy, of melancholy clouds and torrents of rain. It can’t rain all the time. I’ve got plenty for you to take- without even asking.

Come down from that miserable place, where sadness becomes your easy escape. I hate to see you this way. Shake the crippling dust from your feet, these new shoes give way to futuristic means. I sense a further greatness about you.

In my nice way, in my humble ability, I give it all away, without regret or disappointment in your next step.  Life was meant to be shared, in all its goodness, prosperity, loss, and failure-joy, and painful pleasures. Why would I let you walk this road alone? Come down from that grave, from that darkened place. My ray of light has a welcome embrace.

Stop being comfortable among the lonely souls of solitude. Even if my beauty only comes from within, it will soon grow on you.

My voice, softly heard will find its way through your thinking. My eyes, mysterious orbs, so easy to figure out, will set your mind at ease. And my touch, so passionate and fragile, will still keep you safe and pleased. I am brave, ready for your all, will you let me in, let me win? I am full of love, enough for both of us. Open your eyes and see me, realize that being means everything. Don’t go back to sleep, don’t turn off the lights, don’t close the door on me.


There’s Something in the Music..that’s all

I was once a fantastic dream

A beautiful scream

A silent wonder

Left to roam without

A home

Unrecognizable

Even in familiar clothes

 

I traveled where

They wished they’d roamed

I dared to know

What made them go

Without thinking

Of myself, my own foolish ways

I let in the ways of this world

 

I kissed before

With fireworks

With erotic force

Allowed my heart

To melt on ice

Stinging with caresses

That only leave a mess

 

I worry for all

For every pain and suffering

Child or adult

Because I only know this way

For how could I ever look away

From the chains I was used too

The sadness I believe is still true

 

I was often zany

The black sheep in the crowd

Who lived in the now

With the past for a security blanket

I had a voice for too many ears

I think I still hear …     Her

I still have much to say

 

I once dressed (unusually) Stylish

in my mind

It made sense

I still cling to those threads

Corduroys and polyester blends

It is in these clothes

I find myself at rest

 

I write because

With all means necessary

My mind is constant

Not robbing me of sleep

But release… is my only

Therapy, remedy, and I

The only keeper of such thoughts

 

I tried to dream 5minutes ago

But lost to the woes

Of my mind, my world

Get them out; while I am still sane

Then back under covers I’ll hide

Behind glass walls of my

merry-go-round life


Sometimes my mom Loves Me

Howbeit,

That you are glamour, luscious,

Grazing.

 

When it’s all about ignoring.

Do you need to pull my hair?

 

I threw away your make up,

While you shouted insults

 

Threatening love so I punched the walls

The labor of attention.

You screamed in disbelief

 

I go to bed waiting,

Till pillow suffocates

The noises protruding from your bedroom

 

Take me farther than you’ll ever go.

Feeling much better now, drowning down; slowly.

 

I still think of the nice way,

That you learned to throw blows,

 

Imagine my fists against your blush stained cheek

And in your waking sweat,

Frailty is your only dream.

 

So many memories to choose

I still think birth should be a choice

From the inside.

 

How will we ever manage?

Here,

I’ll hand you the rope.