Going Nowhere; or so it Seems
Another year is coming and going, faster than my eyes can blink.
I still find myself nowhere when it comes to where I want to be.
Still undecided, unhappy, unaware of those around me,
and my surroundings.
Ready for anywhere, if I only I could get there. That is the only problem.
Another birthday came and went. They have become additions to empty years.
Here’s to another empty addition of this life.
I’ve tried new things; like taking a job in order to travel. Hasn’t ended well.
Escaped one man’s immaturity for the hand of a friend. Now that boat’s
New things are scary as I wish for my grandmother’s bed.
I only wanted a “home” in the end.
I’ll always be to myself; in my own world I seem to belong.
No matter the situation, I will not include another.
Tired of dreaming of past involvements. None of them were good for me.
In the back of my mind there’s still always… “What ifs?”
Don’t want to bury myself there again.
Traveled to a few places, but still nowhere to call home.
San Jose Blues:
California always brings me down,
Too far from family
and beautiful skies that tease the soul.
Cool breezes that cool the toes.
Escaped for a day,
but San Francisco was just another city-
just like the rest.
But the water; a part of me never wanted to let go.
Too busy working in San Jose to enjoy anything at all.
Falls Church Blues:
makes my hair frizzier than God intended it originally.
Virginia was green,
but it wasn’t very pretty.
Just the same small pub every night
a horrible hotel and room to match,
in the end, my alarm clock never went off
made it just in time to the airport,
I left behind the suffocation of Virginia.
Squirrel Hill Blues:
Pittsburgh is wonderful in the fall,
Just don’t make the mistake of moving in.
Nicer hotel room,
interesting places to see,
people seemed nice in the beginning,
but things always have a way of changing.
The winter is beautiful,
but don’t plan to visit.
People here will kill you with their frozen stares
and illegal left hand turns.
Boca Raton Blues:
Florida is beautiful
and I’ll never think differently.
The ocean… there aren’t enough clever words,
you just have to see it for yourself.
A great place to meditate or
play poker in a different room each night.
I lost 40 bucks those two weeks.
I still dream of the ocean blue,
so beautiful, I thought I’d stay forever.
Two weeks wasn’t enough to get me through.
North Carolina is green and colorful,
but Raleigh didn’t spark my attention.
Until the day I needed an emergency room
the land of my first miscarriage.
It was all downhill from there
during the train ride to the next town,
and I was anxious to leave the suffocating space in-between.
North Carolina doesn’t want to fade
Still pretty in all its picture perfect glory,
But looks can be deceiving.
At first it was entertaining, fun and hopeful,
the last stop before my decision to stay.
And this is where I am,
among fake smiles made of money,
surrounded by breast implanted mothers-to-be.
This is the birthplace of my second failure,
Emergency rooms have become familiar.
I think I’m ready to go home now,
there is no one around to hold on to
It’s hard handling things on my own
Even with him in the next room,
I am still on my own.
Sometimes I ache for that familiar childhood,
no matter how painful.
That’s where my wishes didn’t seem silly,
when being in love was unheard of,
and fashion was playing dress up.
I want for that freedom again.
But here I am,
30 and only moving forward.
I have no idea where,
I have no plans to wonder why,
I just want to leave from here
and never return to this life. May, 2005