Words from an Insomniac still trying to find her way

I Never Wrote that Suicide Note

– on a train leaving Albuquerque, NM

October, 2006

 

 

I leave behind a life

that never belonged to me,

I have tried, my whole life

to make things seem right.

I am left sitting on a train,

towards someone else’s home.

Empty handed,

wounded and a failure,

and in the middle of this silent war,

I pray my brother has found more

than he ever had in this life time.

 

I have been on this train 

for an hour or more,

and the release 

of letting him go

is just as slow.

All around me

lay dark threatening clouds,

I pray that they are swift 

at swallowing me whole.

Come rain! Come!

I take my tattered, broken wings

bury them under 

an old sturdy tree.

Where is that new life

I’ve always wanted for me?

 

Today I continue to fight

the war that won’t let go of me.

 

Today, I leave you father

graced in all my love,

waiting for your acceptance,

I can no longer keep trying

to make you want me around.

I have tried to please you 

from the moment I could walk,

I can’t compete with a life

we have both lost.

 

But I stop trying today.

 

Instead,

the rain will take my place,

the clouds will be

my suffocating embrace.

My love will forever reside

in lost dreams,

because there is no way

to make it easier on you 

or on me.

This will be my last trip for some time.

Don’t forget, 

my love will still surround you,

because love is worth everything,

even in between.

 

And this is where I leave you

mother,

with every ounce of hope

I’ve braved.

There’s no looking back 

at my trail of maybes and patience

that flood your window frames.

I never wanted to be the mother,

I never wanted to leave things

this way,

but you will never change,

and I will no longer wait.

 

My heart was broken, 

the day I made you walk away,

since then

life has never been the same.

But I cease all hurting today.

Today,

the sun will take its place.

Today,

the beauty of all the Creator creates

will fill the void

you can’t seem to replace.

There is no other way,

so this will be the last time

I have as much faith.

Don’t forget,

love is all I ever have for you,

and prayers will never cease,

jut because you’ve chosen to.

 

Eleven more hours,

till I reach someone else’s home,

what happens from there 

terrifies me so,

but anything has to be better

then this solitary road…

 

Welcome (home), Suzanna, welcome home

 

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6 responses

  1. A deep and heartfelt poem oozing with empathy, which is always a good thing if it is funnelled right and not so strong as to crumble you..

    It is not what you do, or what you have done, but what you do after…

    November 27, 2012 at 1:59 am

    • I call it free therapy or a mirror that will show me a better tomorrow. Writing what I can not say aloud has given me a silent strength to overcome the Great Wall of despair. Thank you for reading and for your words of wisdom.

      November 27, 2012 at 2:03 am

      • Yes writing can definately be a great and solid therapy. Touched by the muse that wants to be shared is a great feeling to act on,

        November 27, 2012 at 2:06 am

  2. First of all I want to say “I love you”. You keep me reading because I know your pouring out you heart. But I hesitate to start cuz I know I’m gonna hear and feel your pain. I just want to say that we all have a story thats not spoken. What has helped me not to releive it in my memories anymore is my faith in God, He is the one who has helped me overcome my scares, who has healed my heart. I am victorious in the end, not because of anything I have done, but because of what God has done in my life. He changes things if we cling to Him and put our faith in Him. Our lives were different but yet the same, we need to spend some time together just to talk and laugh to sooth our souls. I know our lives are busy but this is important to me to be there for you if you need me to be. love Tia

    November 27, 2012 at 12:26 pm

  3. Thank you Tía, as always. This poem really jumped out at me while reading one of my journals and I thought that maybe it would reach out to someone dealing with their own pain. I think the healing process with my dad has been so much better, but as you know, it’s my mother who was always the challenge. Building a relationship with our Creator is proving successful every day, but knowing that I have someone like you in my life to talk to, makes it even better to grasp that hope that sometimes dissolves too quickly. Loving you always, and thanking you for being one of my dearest readers.

    November 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    • God has a plan for your life and it just might be to help others with your stories, it might be dark tonight but joy comes in the morning, thats God’s promise to us. and God IS faithful. He also promises a peace that surpasses all understanding, it’s the most wonderful place to be at. just to know that God has got it ALL UNDER CONTROL. LOVE YA, TIA

      November 28, 2012 at 12:22 am