Words from an Insomniac still trying to find her way

You are important… it says so in this letter

Dear Cousin,                                                                                                                                                                                                 Sept. 2010

I wish that this letter was filled to the brim with positive encouragement and hopeful answers. Instead, it’s just me and this is the only way I come.

We don’t see each other every day like we used too, but it still doesn’t mean that I can’t miss you. Today, like every other day, I worry about everyone, including you and I’m okay with this. I don’t mind carrying the heavy heart. Sometimes I think it makes people stay a bit longer on this earth, as if God understands my pain and frustration, granting me this one request.

I’m sitting here at home while Val begins his shift at work, and sometimes I’m thankful for these lonely opportunities. I can let myself go. I can cry my heart out, or I can write in frustration and tiredness without him looking disappointed or worried at my sadness. I can play my music a little bit louder and delve into the words, the melody, and the emotions each song leaves me with.

When I first heard that you got into trouble over this guy I have to admit that I was a little pissed. Mostly because you were drunk or had been drinking… but in any case I was mad because for that moment you had forgotten about your family, you had forgotten us as well.  

But afterwards I felt sad because I knew you must’ve felt worse. I’ve always thought of you as my brother, as my mentor, and I believe in my heart that you are suffering inside as a result of the outcome.

So I will never write to you or talk to you about being a better person, or about the effects of alcohol because it’s pointless to preach to someone who knows so much about it.  Sometimes we do things for subconscious reasons. I understand why you let go at times because I still do. And if we can’t be human, then what can we be? My best friend knows it as well and that is why her love is stronger than any wrong you think you do.

This letter may seem confusing with all of its melancholy meanings and sad descriptive words but I’m just missing my cousin, I miss looking out onto a beautiful sunrise or sunset, and I miss the ocean. God has created all of the beautiful things, including you and I miss being surrounded by them all.

Please stay strong and I’ll be saving a hug for you when you come home.

Love you always,

Suzanna


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