I Never Wrote that Suicide Note
- on a train leaving Albuquerque, NM
October, 2006
I leave behind a life
that never belonged to me,
I have tried, my whole life
to make things seem right.
I am left sitting on a train,
towards someone else’s home.
Empty handed,
wounded and a failure,
and in the middle of this silent war,
I pray my brother has found more
than he ever had in this life time.
I have been on this train
for an hour or more,
and the release
of letting him go
is just as slow.
All around me
lay dark threatening clouds,
I pray that they are swift
at swallowing me whole.
Come rain! Come!
I take my tattered, broken wings
bury them under
an old sturdy tree.
Where is that new life
I’ve always wanted for me?
Today I continue to fight
the war that won’t let go of me.
Today, I leave you father
graced in all my love,
waiting for your acceptance,
I can no longer keep trying
to make you want me around.
I have tried to please you
from the moment I could walk,
I can’t compete with a life
we have both lost.
But I stop trying today.
Instead,
the rain will take my place,
the clouds will be
my suffocating embrace.
My love will forever reside
in lost dreams,
because there is no way
to make it easier on you
or on me.
This will be my last trip for some time.
Don’t forget,
my love will still surround you,
because love is worth everything,
even in between.
And this is where I leave you
mother,
with every ounce of hope
I’ve braved.
There’s no looking back
at my trail of maybes and patience
that flood your window frames.
I never wanted to be the mother,
I never wanted to leave things
this way,
but you will never change,
and I will no longer wait.
My heart was broken,
the day I made you walk away,
since then
life has never been the same.
But I cease all hurting today.
Today,
the sun will take its place.
Today,
the beauty of all the Creator creates
will fill the void
you can’t seem to replace.
There is no other way,
so this will be the last time
I have as much faith.
Don’t forget,
love is all I ever have for you,
and prayers will never cease,
jut because you’ve chosen to.
Eleven more hours,
till I reach someone else’s home,
what happens from there
terrifies me so,
but anything has to be better
then this solitary road…
Welcome (home), Suzanna, welcome home
A deep and heartfelt poem oozing with empathy, which is always a good thing if it is funnelled right and not so strong as to crumble you..
It is not what you do, or what you have done, but what you do after…
I call it free therapy or a mirror that will show me a better tomorrow. Writing what I can not say aloud has given me a silent strength to overcome the Great Wall of despair. Thank you for reading and for your words of wisdom.
Yes writing can definately be a great and solid therapy. Touched by the muse that wants to be shared is a great feeling to act on,
First of all I want to say “I love you”. You keep me reading because I know your pouring out you heart. But I hesitate to start cuz I know I’m gonna hear and feel your pain. I just want to say that we all have a story thats not spoken. What has helped me not to releive it in my memories anymore is my faith in God, He is the one who has helped me overcome my scares, who has healed my heart. I am victorious in the end, not because of anything I have done, but because of what God has done in my life. He changes things if we cling to Him and put our faith in Him. Our lives were different but yet the same, we need to spend some time together just to talk and laugh to sooth our souls. I know our lives are busy but this is important to me to be there for you if you need me to be. love Tia
Thank you Tía, as always. This poem really jumped out at me while reading one of my journals and I thought that maybe it would reach out to someone dealing with their own pain. I think the healing process with my dad has been so much better, but as you know, it’s my mother who was always the challenge. Building a relationship with our Creator is proving successful every day, but knowing that I have someone like you in my life to talk to, makes it even better to grasp that hope that sometimes dissolves too quickly. Loving you always, and thanking you for being one of my dearest readers.
God has a plan for your life and it just might be to help others with your stories, it might be dark tonight but joy comes in the morning, thats God’s promise to us. and God IS faithful. He also promises a peace that surpasses all understanding, it’s the most wonderful place to be at. just to know that God has got it ALL UNDER CONTROL. LOVE YA, TIA